The Five People You Meet On Twitter

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With no due respect to the guy who wrote that book about the five people you meet in heaven, here are the five people you’ll meet on Twitter:

1. John Bartlett. A long, long time ago Bartlett published a book of quotations. More recently, he’s been resurrected from the dead in the form of Twitterers who do nothing but tweet annoying sayings and quotes that happen to inspire them at the moment. Emphasis on the them. Maybe they’re trying to show us how deep and thoughtful they are, I don’t know.

2. Kanye West. If there’s anybody out there who doesn’t know when to shut the f*ck up, it’s him. Unfortunately, there a lot of people on Twitter who don’t know when to shut up, either. They suffer from something called Twitterhea. It’s a good thing I haven’t been drinking, or I’d be inclined to name names (it’s actually a really good thing I haven’t been drinking, because, as I write this, I’m sitting on the train on my way into work).

What is it about these people that makes them think we care that they just drank a Red Bull, or that their bed in their hotel room is comfortable, or that there’s a guy driving in front of them who didn’t hit his gas pedal as soon as the light turned green? (I’m not making this stuff up). Why are they even tweeting while driving?

3. Art Link-A-Lotter. In real life, Art Linkletter wrote Kids Say The Darnedest  Things. On Twitter (or should I say “in Twitterville”) Art Link-A-Lotters don’t “say” anything. They simply provide links to articles and blog posts. That’s it — no comments, no conversations, just links. There are a few Twitterers with dual personalities — part Kanye West, part Art Link-A-Lotter: In other words, an endless stream of links all day. Someone shoot these people, please.

4. Billy Mays. Did you ever see Billy Mays when he wasn’t selling something? Me neither. Same with these people on Twitter. Every tweet is a sales pitch for their company, or worse — for themselves. I can’t imagine why these people think that the rest of us are just sitting by our Twitter client apps just waiting for their next self-absorbed sales pitch.

5. You. If you’re lucky — and you will be — you will meet YOU on Twitter. More accurately, people like YOU. It’s the one thing that makes suffering through meeting the other four people worthwhile.

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