Social Media Syndromes

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Many of you know of — if not had yourself — physical ailments like carpal tunnel syndrome that have been caused by the use of technology. But are you aware of the impact that social media is having on our health?

Here are four ailments that are increasingly becoming a threat to our health and well-being as a direct result of the rise in social media adoption and use:

1. Attention deficit disorder. This term might be familiar to you, but — in a social media context — it doesn’t refer to a condition whereby the sufferer has trouble maintaining attention and focus. Instead, it refers to a condition in which the sufferer receives insufficient attention.  CNNMoney describes one victim of this horrible disease, a woman who started a fan club for herself on Facebook, and sends out updates on her “oh-so-fabulous” career.

2. Twitterhea. Most of us have a filter that prevents every thought that forms in our brain from coming out of our mouths. Twitterhea sufferers lack this filter. Not only is this filter missing, but they have a malformed gene that causes those thoughts to pass through their fingers. I know you know some of these folks. You can spot them when all you see when you look at your Twitter client app is 30 straight tweets with their face next to them.

3. Redactile dysfunction. This condition afflicts those with no ability to edit or refine their social media communications. They just go on and on and on, and never know when to shut the f*ck up. Cut them some slack, though, for it’s not their fault. It’s a disease.

4. Irritable blog syndrome. I swear to God I have no idea how I contracted this affliction.

As far as I can tell, there are no cures for these diseases. If anyone can actually come up with a way to prevent them, however, I think they deserve to make more money than the founders of Facebook and Twitter stand to make.

UPDATE: See “Social Media Syndromes” the movie.

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