iPhone Sluts

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How old are you?

If you’re over 40, then it’s probably too late for you, and this blog post isn’t going to help you. But continue reading just for kicks.If you’re in your 30s, then this blog post might help you. But no guarantees. If you’re under the age of 25, however, then this blog post might just change your life.

How would you like to triple the number of sexual partners you have?

Silly question, of course you would.

In this blog post, I am going to reveal to you the ONE THING you need to know in order to triple the number of sexual partners you have. And I’m going to tell you this secret for free, out of the goodness of my heart.

Ready?

To triple the number of sexual partners you have, buy an Android phone.

I’m not joking. The numbers don’t lie.

According to research done by very credible sources, 18-year olds who own Android phones have had, to date, one sexual partner. By the time they turn 24, they will average 3 sexual partners. That’s TRIPLE the number they had at 18.

You can’t get that kind of bump (no pun intended) by purchasing an iPhone. Eighteen year old iPhone owners have had, on average, 4 sexual partners. That number only increases to 5 by the time they turn 24.

Here’s the even better news: Between 25 and 40, the number of sexual partners an Android owner has TRIPLES again. iPhone owners will only double the number of sexual partners they have between 25 and 40.

Source: OkCupid

Now I know what some of you are thinking: But Ron, owning an Android phone doesn’t cause an increase in sexual partners.

Fuck you. You’re ruining my blog post.

And I know what others of you are thinking: But Ron, wouldn’t it be better to have the 15 sexual partners that iPhone owners by age 40 than the 9 partners Android owners have?

The answer is no.

iPhone owners are sluts. And you don’t want to be a slut.

Check out the data: Among 30 year old women, those who own iPhones have had, on average, 12 sexual partners. That’s TWICE as many as 30 year old women with Androids have had.

Conclusion: Owning an iPhone makes a woman a promiscuous slut.

Source: OkCupid

This knowledge will scar me for life.

The next time I see a young woman with an iPhone, I know what I’m going to be thinking: How many guys have YOU slept with so far this week, you little floozy?

The signs of this scarring are already appearing. My 20 year-old daughter came up to me and said “Dad, I think we should get iPhones for the family.”  I’m sorry to say that I went ballistic on her: “THERE’S NOT A CHANCE IN HELL THAT YOU OR YOUR SISTERS WILL GET AN iPHONE — NOW, OR EVER!”

I paused, collected my thoughts, and added: “I might get one for your mother, though.”

Overall, though, it’s good to see some credible, scientific research being published in the social media sphere. There is one flaw in the study that I’d like to point out, though, regarding Blackberry owners.

I’m pretty sure that the Blackberry owners lied to the researchers. Everybody knows that people with Blackberrys don’t have sex.

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