Marketers: Identify The Psychopathicos In Your Customer Base

First, we had the Net Promoter Syndrome sufferers telling marketers that they had to figure out which of their customers were “advocates”, that is, those who gave a top-two box rating on a 10-point scale of likelihood to recommend the firm to friends, families, household pets, trees, and other living creatures.

Now, Yahoo! is telling us we have to figure out who the “passionistas” are among our customer base. According to Yahoo’s director of customer insight, passionistas are “natural advocates and already online creating and sharing content about their passions and brands that align with them.”

So what’s next? I have the answer.

Marketers must identify the Psychopathicos among their customer base.

Psychopathicos: Customers who will hurt, maim, or kill anybody who refuses to buy your products and services. They don’t just refer your firm to their friends and neighbors — they force them to buy from you.

“What did you say, you Pepsi pansy? You don’t like Coke? You will after I whack you upside the head with this 64 ounce bottle of Coke!”

If you think your Net Promoter Score is correlated to growth, forget that. Your market share will skyrocket with every 1% improvement in your firm’s Psychopathico Index (which, by the way, I can help you measure for a measly six-figure consulting fee).

I just don’t want to be there for the focus group study.

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