Here’s one that twists a tweet I saw earlier today:

“CASH POSITION” – The only alternative is the fetal position.

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

“Iceland” – Today’s financial microcosm. A volcanic island where nominal bank assets at one point were TEN times GDP.

“Bear Market” – Remember the three bears? This is the fourth bear, Grampa.

“Bull Market” – A mythical and all-but-forgotten beast identified from writings recovered at archeological digs dating back to late 2007. Second coming much sought by supplicants worldwide. Odds of return – 10:1 For.

Turmoil – free-fall

Plunge – Hitting rock bottom

Lehman Bros. CEO beaten up at a gym – hilarious