Your Guide to Meltdown Terminology
October 10, 2008
Here’s a handy glossary to help you translate the news media’s coverage of the economic meltdown, courtesy of The Financial Brand.
“Flight to Liquidity”
Translation: “Mutual funds??? Are you kidding? My money is under my mattress.”
“Mark to Market”
Valuing something on your balance sheet at what it’s really worth. Accountants everywhere cringe at the alternative, which includes them wearing funny clown costumes.
“Credit Crunch”
Translation: “Your loan was declined. Don’t take it personally. Everyone’s loan is declined.”
“$700 billion”
Translation: “$850 billion.” Don’t forget to add in the wooden arrows.
TARP
1. Troubled Asset Relief Program.
2. An economic bandaid that — in relative scale — is wayyyyy bigger than a yard tarp.
“Downturn”
See “crisis.”
“Recession”
Comes in three flavors: Mild, Severe…and whatever this is right now.
“Depression”
1. A clinically gloomy feeling about the economy and life in general.
2. Don’t use this word. It’s taboo. It freaks people out. Besides, it’s just crazy talk… Right?
“Too Big to Fail”
Translation: “Don’t worry boys! Joe Taxpayer’s got your back. There’s trillions more where that came from.”
“Main Street”
The news media’s annoyingly euphemistic catchphrase for people like “you,” “me” and the other 320 million people who have to pay for this mess. (Chosen for its clever pairing with “Wall Street” in sound bites, see below.)
“Wall Street”
Charlie Sheen stars in this 1987 film about stratospheric (if not stereotypical) corporate greed. A generation later, it is recognized as the most effective recruitment video ever made.
“Crisis”
See “meltdown.”
“Confidence”
Another word for “trust.” Either way, it’s gone. See ya. Buh-bye…
“Dow Down 200”
1. Not too shabby! Anything better than -500 is a good day.
2. “Down a little” is the new “up.”
3. It must be time to buy, right? Okay, you first…
“Meltdown”
See “recession.”
“Volatility”
1. Wall Street codeword for “risk” (which in itself is a codeword for “downturn.”)
2. “Buckle your seatbelts folks!”
“This isn’t going to be pretty.”
Translation: It’s ugly.
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- When will the media’s infatuation with credit unions end?
- The media falls in love with credit unions
- Notably Quotable: Anger, blame and dynamite
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Filed Under: Quotes & Interviews
October 10th, 2008 at 8:26 am
I think you missed one or two Jeffry –
Turmoil – free-fall
Plunge – Hitting rock bottom
Lehman Bros. CEO beaten up at a gym – hilarious
October 10th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I propose:
“Iceland” – Today’s financial microcosm. A volcanic island where nominal bank assets at one point were TEN times GDP.
“Bear Market” – Remember the three bears? This is the fourth bear, Grampa.
“Bull Market” – A mythical and all-but-forgotten beast identified from writings recovered at archeological digs dating back to late 2007. Second coming much sought by supplicants worldwide. Odds of return – 10:1 For.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Counterparty Risk … The schmuck in New York who owes you $5-billion isn’t taking your phone calls, meaning it’s time to stop taking phone calls from all the schmucks in Dubai you owe money to.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I don’t know who to attribute this to, but it came by e-mail this morning.
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Those are all hilarious guys!
Here’s one that twists a tweet I saw earlier today:
“CASH POSITION” – The only alternative is the fetal position.